No More Juuls In Our Schools

Yasi Fahimi

Student use of E-Cigarettes at Mission will soon be put to a stop with the new installation of cameras in all bathrooms and drones in parking lots, effective starting spring break.

    While the MVHS zero-tolerance drug policy has been extremely competent in protecting the student body from on-campus substance abuse in the past, E-Cigarettes pose a new risk to this generation of Diablos. That being said, administration has made it clear that cameras are the best way to ensure that every “vaping device” on campus is properly confiscated and destroyed.

    An initial concern is the legal standpoint of putting cameras in school bathrooms. However, California lawmakers have agreed through the ratification of the Anti-Vape America Act that privacy laws will be pardoned for the overall safety of students.

    Senator Yuri Nall has released an official statement regarding the matter:

    “Our children’s safety is the number one priority. That being said, the alarming rates of nicotine overdose in school bathrooms has drawn us to conclude privacy is a small price to pay for protection from illegal drugs.”

    Overall, Mission’s teachers, coaches, and faculty do a phenomenal job of upholding justice around campus, which is why it may be a shock that students get away with such activities under constant school supervision.

    However, it is no stretch to say that over the years. Teens have become more innovative and creative when faced with challenging tasks. While it is an advantageous quality to have in most cases, it has also been a primary skill in stealthily hiding illegal vaping at school.

    Their savviness has led them to seek refuge in bathrooms for committing such crimes, a place deemed impenetrable by school administration.  Little do students know they will soon be monitored 24/7 by high-tech cameras from all angles in both male and female restrooms.

    Mission’s disciplinary department has already hired professional anti-vape representative, Dr. Juulia Sourinson, to execute the transition. After her initial appraisal, she recommends a minimum purchase of 38 new cameras to provide full coverage of campus restrooms.

    When asked for details of the operation, Dr. Sourinson says, “This will not be easy and it will not be cheap. I estimate $2,800 for the cameras alone, and another $600-$700 for the installment.”  However, she ensures that the price being paid will easily be outweighed by the results promised.

    One may question how a public school like Mission will acquire the necessary finances to fund the new surveillance system. The answer is simple. MVHS will be cutting its spring musical and putting the money towards a cause worthy of the taxpayers.

    Because administration foresees another potential vaping destination, the school will also be investing in drones to cover the parking lot. With aerial supervision, there will be no available privacy anywhere on campus to permit e-cigarette use.

    We will be using small, EPAV 500 drones which will be built by the school robotics team. By employing unpaid student labor with virtually no cost besides raw materials, the high-tech drones are going to be the most efficient way to catch vapers in the parking lot.

    How this works is that these particular drones are geared towards spotting E-Cigarettes. Once a target is spotted, they attack it at full speed using nicotine lasers to destroy the vape device from above.

    Furthermore, after thorough research, MVHS is prepared to finally put an end to their vigorous vape issue. Privacy is no longer a priority when health and safety is at risk, allowing the school to legally video monitor students at all times.

    To conclude, a brief message for all students from SVUSD school board president, Nico Teen:

    “Say no to vaping and remember, administration is always watching you!”

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